Left 4 Dead Spoof
by Zooloo99
Summary: Just a short little spoof based off the No Mercy campaign. Written for an English workshop. My first fanfic :P


"PILLS HERE!" yelled out Louis, pointing to a bottle of prescription medication, his dilated eyes lighting up.

"Oh no, Louse," Zoey stepped in front of him, "You've already had a whole bottle of Ritalin, and you're *still* bleeding out."

"Screw him, let's keep moving; I hate stopping." Francis complained.

Moving through Mercy Hospital was hard enough with the confusing layout; the zombies didn't help.

"More 'Cong to our three o'clock! Right flank, take cover!" yelled Bill, the aged war veteran as he performed a commando roll and opened fire upon a group of infected.

"Oh god, the old man's lost it again." Francis groaned.

"At least he isn't trying to kill us or is reliving memories from a P.O.W camp." Zoey reminded.

Bill wildly sprayed his M16 rifle towards the dark figures in the distance. A sick sucking noise was heard for a second before Zoey began to scream.

"Ahh! A smoker's got me!" she screamed as she was dragged into the distance. The smoker exploded in a cloud of smoky smoke, which funnily enough, had the same density of smoke.

"No smoker tongues *my* girl!" Francis yelled, pumping shells into the smoker's limp body. Zoey cleared her throat,

"Aren't you going to help me up?"

"Nope." Francis kept walking.

* * *

The group moved through the dark hospital, zombies stirring from the shadows, quickly put down with a bullet to the brain.

"BOOM! HEADSHOT!" yelled Louis with each successfully downed zombie, mouth foaming.

"I don't know what he's taken, but he's a killing machine." whispered Bill to Francis, "Maybe it's those malaria shots they gave us! I never trusted those doctors; they're probably experimenting on us!" he said, slowly slipping back into his flashbacks.

"Shut up you guys!" Zoey whispered, "There's a witch!" she pointed to the shadows of a patient's room, the red eyes of the witch glowing in the darkness as she wailed soullessly.

"Crap! Stop him!" Francis whispered, as Louis started walking into the room, his hunting rifle slowly levelling to the witch's head; until he and the barrel of the hunting rifle, were inches away from the growling witch's head.

"CR0WNED!" yelled out the delirious Louis, as he pulled the trigger.

Click.

The magazine was empty.

The witch pounced.

"Aw hell no! Get it off, get it off!" Louis cried as the witch started tearing into his flesh, it's sharp claws continuing their motions, regardless of the gratuitous amount of lead being pumped into it's owner's body.

Right on cue, a horde of over two dozen zombies rushed around the corner, charging at the cornered group; timing only found in clichéd horror movies.

"I hate hordes." muttered Francis as he quickly reloaded his shotgun.

"Ambush!" yelled out Bill, "FIRE IN THE HOLE, GET DOWN!" he yelled from his old windbags, as he threw a pipebomb; it's beeping halting the horde's charge, only a dozen metres away from the soft flesh and tasty brains of the survivors.

The explosion sent flaming zombie limbs all across the hallway, as the survivors picked themselves up. The grouped moved forward, finding an elevator. Louis ran forward and pushed the glowing call button repeatedly, a child-like grin of pleasure upon his face. A deep rumbling came from behind the elevator doors as the elevator began moving down.

"Quick! Dig in, the 'Cong are gonna be here any second!" Bill ordered.

"Pfft," Francis stood there casually, reloading his guns, "they'll come, we'll gun them down." He said, with a bored expression.

"I don't like your attitude, Private!" bellowed Bill, filled with authority.

"I don't like *you*, old man!" Francis retorted.

"Uhh, guys?" Zoey butted in, "there are zombies running at us!" Bill and Francis' gaze were locked, as they attempted to stare each other down. Louis was still pushing the button, high as a kite.

A hunter's distinctive scream rang out as it pounced Zoey. Neither Bill nor Francis broke the gaze they held, still staring each other off.

The horde made up the distance to the survivors and swarmed in from all sides, only to be blasted back in all directions from the beefy shots of Francis' shotgun and the rapid cycling of Bill's M16.

"Damn it! It's only halfway down!" Francis yelled as he glanced at the elevator panel, "I hate elevators."

Louis took no notice to the horde, the button was his only concern. He pushed it again; unexpectedly, the doors opened and Louis ran through, falling to his death in the empty elevator shaft.

"This is going to hell in a handbasket, real fast!" yelled Bill, still too preoccupied with the neverending horde to save Zoey, whose demise was met by the hunter.

The whole tragedy came to an end, however, when the loud thumping of a tank broke through the ranks of the horde and crushed both Bill and Francis; ending the survivor's journey, like a lazy writer ends his novels.


End file.
